My shopify job application

14 Dec
(c) shopify. I think. Please don't sue me.

(c) shopify. I think. Please don’t sue me.

As one whose military “best before date” expires in June 2014, I have to get off my backside and find a real job. Lo and behold, doesn’t delightful Ottawa Canada have info-age shopify, the little-known growing tech company that many are pegging to be a future Google, Amazon, Facebook, etc.

Shopify is a cool tech place where it’s a blast to work. All those young, cool techno dudes and dudettes, just having fun, being techno cool, and bringing in the techno $$$ gazigabillions.

They clearly need me. Here’s my application:

* * *

Hello youthful and exuberant shopify HR person! Where do I sign up? I’ll keep this brief:

– 30+ year Royal Canadian Air Force (RCAF) career ends no later than June 2014. Haven’t been charged yet. Have to get while the getting is good.

– Because of the terms of my release from the RCAF, I could work for you for free for a few months in early 2014. Kick the tires on me, if you like. To know me is to love me.

– I used to hunt things like nuclear attack submarines. Can’t put a price on experience like that. They’re pesky little critters. Think finding bugs in code is tough? Ha! Child’s play.

– My IT experience will be the envy of everyone at shopify: used to own a Commodore Vic-20 computer, an “8088”, a “286”, and a “386”; I not only know what Pacman was, I actually played it; and I coded in PASCAL, COBOL, and FORTRAN at university in the ’80s. That’s like being able to read ancient things like the Dead Sea Scrolls, Sumerian cuneiform tablets, and Egyptian hieroglyphics on temple walls. My IT cool factor is way off the charts. I am IT Zen. I live on an IT mountain top in Nepal and wear a white robe.

– I’ll be a stabilizing father figure to the younger folks. Seen a few things in my day.

– My home computer is a $50 old used clunker of a Dell. The thought of a free shopify Apple laptop might make me swoon. You can help put an end to processing poverty.

– How many people at shopify have actually used “swoon” in a sentence recently? Ever?

– I come from a culture of taking care of one another, and this means more to me than money ever will. This is what attracts me most to shopify.

– I helped create the Canadian Forces Aerospace Warfare Centre. How many of shopify’s people have helped create an applied military think tank? Call of Duty and Black Ops on steroids sort of thing. Okay, you got me. Sheratons and martinis. Air Forces are such gentlemanly institutions. But we play CoD and B.Ops. When our kids aren’t looking. Assumes we took the course on how to use the PS3 or XBox controllers. My torpedo pre-setter panel was much easier to figure out. What’s with the using the thumbs thing, anyways?

– I promise not to steal from the shopify Viagra closet. Still, don’t forget to keep it locked. Can never be too safe, temptation being what it is. I’ll keep the key safe if you’d like. Never know when you’ll need an emergency compass. Navigators are trained to think ahead.

– Speaking of Viagra, young chicks dig me. That’s because I am way old and “non-threatening.” Unless I fall in a vat of Viagra or you leave the closet unlocked. Thus, I can tell the young shopify ladies that they look great, and actually mean it without trying to pick them up. Good for morale. Plus the young techno dudes can observe and learn. And for $20, I’ll even put the good word in for them. Ann Landers of shopify meets lavalife meets e-harmony, even. I’d get some of the young guys to build the internal website or app or something techie, and then write some BS about advanced algorithms that statistically Kalman filter Chinese horoscopes in a proprietary and classified way. I’d actually be in the background with my tea leaves, Doreen Virtue Angel Cards, and Hogsback Vintage Lager. Hogsback is Ottawa local, and close enough to organic so as to qualify as being spiritual in my books.

– If I didn’t know who Ann Landers was, I’d look her up on wikipedia.

– First book in my forthcoming set of two is scheduled to come out in February 2014. Goal is that they be as profound as heliocentricity. That’s Nicky Copernicus’s idea that maybe it was us going around the Sun instead of the other way around. Radical thinking at the time; have to love a heretic.

– Thus, bringing me on board would thus constitute an act of supreme philanthropy. I wouldn’t starve to death before I finished Book Two. You’d all sleep better at night. Tax deductible, even.

– I own an iPad. At 48 years of age, that has to count for something. It even has a Retina display. My Vic-20 didn’t.

– I made an iPad screen capture of your webpage for this post. I pressed the round button at the bottom while simultaneously pressing the rectangular button at the top right. A complicated procedure, but I live for a good challenge. I’m a little fuzzy on the details after this. Still, it proves that I can be trained.

– I have been blogging for over three months. Most of my 150+ followers are devoted middle-age women. That doesn’t quite make me the Tom Jones of bloggers, but nobody’s perfect. They’re all beautiful, too. Top that.

– If I didn’t know who Tom Jones was, I would look him up on wikipedia. What’s up, Pussycat?

– My mother thinks I look like actor Nathan Fillion. I think Mom is biased and has been into the sherry again, but I love her anyway.

– Vinyl and turntables are making a comeback, just like me. My tube amps are custom 300B transformer-coupled SETs, and my deck is a custom re-built Lenco idler-wheel drive. Okay, so it was used when I got it. Still, if you don’t know what this means, you also need me to be your Chief Audio Officer (CAO). Nobody else has a CAO that I know of. Not even Apple or Google or Amazon. This would make shopify a world leader in the field. Maybe I could even get to meet the guys from Rush.

– I can think big.

– If I didn’t know who the guys from Rush were, I would look Rush up on wikipedia. I likely wouldn’t need Depends adult undergarments, either.

– My Saddleback Leather XL Classic Briefcase would, without a doubt, be the coolest bag at shopify. Nothing even comes close. Can fit a yak in it. Great conversation piece / icebreaker with the guys. You’d be in awe. It’s the bag you want to have when you’re attacked by a grizzly bear. Happens a lot in Ottawa. (Waitโ€”those were Ottawa U feminists at their latest protest, weren’t they? My bad.) It’s a man-spiritual sort of thing. Right up there with cooking meat on the BBQ. Ohmmmm.

– I hear you have good coffee. The coffee I’ve drunk at work for the last 30 years is toxic enough to kill a lesser man. It must be why my bowels are so healthy. No nasty viruses or bacteria could possibly survive the coffee “cleansing” that my system undergoes daily Monday-to-Friday. No prostate medical claims for at least three or four years. And when it did happen, I would regale the young techno dudes with my hospital adventures. They’d be eating oat bran by the bucket in no time. Lower your corporate health insurance costs in a heartbeat.

– I could do the CAO thing part time. Compensation? Used Apple anything. Remember LISA? Thought not. Monthly XLg pizza with the works. Six pack once a quarter. What’s that? No, not your abs. Put the t-shirt back down, Arnold. Victoria Secret calendar at XMAS. McDonalds gift certificates. Employee of the month now and then would be appreciated.

– If I didn’t know what an Apple LISA computer was, I would look it up on wikipedia.

– I just donated $20 to wikipedia. Thanks for reminding me.

– When I was 14, I could clear a 3″ high jump on my skateboard. I only gave it up because it wasn’t an Olympic sport. There were no pools in Newfoundland at the time that I could drain to skate in. There was the Atlantic Ocean, but it didn’t have a plug that I could find.

– I’d use my $250 shopify fitness bonus to buy Lulu Lemon spandex yoga pants. Really tight ones. Just to make my gf jealous, and maybe to gross out everyone at the hot yoga class that I’d like for sure join. Just call me Dr. Downward Dog of Delightful Derrieres. BTW, what’s the shopify policy on “muffintops” at the office? I know you don’t have a dress code, but chubby middle age men in spandex? I am a fashion trendsetter, obviously. On top of being a heretic. Hello, muttonchop sideburns.

– My cousin is presently working on his Ph.D. in math at Carleton University with a focus on number theory. This is what is done with the developmentally delayed young men in my family to get rid of them. Not me. No b-stock here. My theory on numbers is that they exist, and that you can add, subtract, multiply, AND divide with them. Didn’t need a Ph.D. program to figure that out.

– Are any of the shopify techno dudettes in the market for a guy? My cousin’s available, and I’d be willing to split my aunt’s finder fee. He’s good at adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing. No guarantees beyond this. Ever see Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man?

– If I didn’t know who… forget it. Need someone to pour the beer? Hogsback?

When do I start?

Obliviously,

“Michael” the Villainous Navigator }:-)>

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39 Responses to “My shopify job application”

  1. waitingforprincecharming December 14, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    Navigator,
    I’d hire you based on your Wikipedia and beer pouring skills alone! That was an extremely amusing post, I am currently sipping a margarita which added to the enjoyment ๐Ÿ˜‰
    And does your cousin know that you keep trying to pawn him off, if you keep advertising him and offering up various women, the poor lad is going to put two and two together (cue rimshot here, thank you I’ll be here all night, tip your server).
    Keep up the wonderful and lively writing!
    Love,
    Waiting

    • navigator1965 December 14, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

      Thank you. Beer pouring is the sort of challenging 2nd career that I’ve been thirsting for.

      I don’t think the Cuz knows that I am shopping him online. He’d want a cut of the finder’s fee. Can’t have that.

  2. Kim December 14, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    Well. Learned how to do a screen shot on my iPad. Thanks.

  3. LindaGHill December 14, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    Hahahaaha! That was priceless! But what’s 3″? Oh wait! I’ll look it up on Wikipedia!
    hahahahaha!

    • navigator1965 December 14, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

      Thanks, Linda. It was fun to write. Hope shopify HR is ready for me. I can be a handful.

      • LindaGHill December 14, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

        I can see that!

        • navigator1965 December 14, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

          };_)> (darnit, had another blogging stroke again.)

        • LindaGHill December 14, 2013 at 10:28 pm #

          Hehe

  4. suzjones December 14, 2013 at 8:05 pm #

    laughing hysterically here… I’d hire you in an instant if just for the entertainment value ๐Ÿ™‚

    • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 12:04 am #

      SJ, Glad you liked it. We’ll see how the shopify team like it. Maybe they need a janitor or something.

  5. KG December 15, 2013 at 1:44 am #

    ROFL….And for this you sure will be hired….God!!! You made my Sunday, even though it started midday ๐Ÿ˜‰
    By the way, just for safety have your lawyers ready for this too huh….you sure will teach those kids out there a lot ๐Ÿ™‚
    That pascal and fortran programming….don’t remind me of those….I belong to the world of java now, which doesn’t seem to have any limits. Really daunting to compete with the young ones on that.
    Only one thing concerned me ๐Ÿ˜ฆ you, Sir, called me a middle aged woman….six and a thirty isn’t middle aged….it’s the twenties of this century….

    Really enjoyed this.

    • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 9:01 am #

      KG,

      So glad you had a laugh at this. It was riotously fun writing it. I kept chuckling every time I realized that I would have to refer a younger reader to wikipedia, or that I would even think to suggest they do this (as if they wouldn’t know).

      I was thinking of possibly doing a ruby-on-the-rails “bootcamp” to get back into the IT game, so to speak, over the next six months. However, at this point in my life I may be better off looking for some sort of managerial or support position. Corporate cleaning lady, perhaps.

      Remember the Rule of Thirds. 0-30 = young; 31 – 60 = middle age; 60 – 90 = old; (>90 = lucky). If it’s any consolation, you’re clearly young at heart. };-)>

      • KG December 15, 2013 at 9:09 am #

        Yes, the Wikipedia is going to Thank you for that ๐Ÿ™‚
        With your humor and command, you sure will be a great manager or may be a Product Management position where you have to pitch a big product to those bigger companies and gather that million dollar deal and all that. You will be a winner.
        And thank you again for that last line of flattery. I seem to be getting from you everyday. Makes my head bigger than it already is ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. evolution December 15, 2013 at 6:07 am #

    I haven’t a clue what shopify is, but I like your application!!! Hahaha! Also, I recently had a chat with an older developer, and he said there was going to be an IT crisis when the last of the baby boomers retire, as all codes are built upon these old ones, and the young whipper snappers don’t know them at all…how true that may be I don’t know, but I found it to be an interesting thought. Like forgetting ancient languages that told us how to really live, or something. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 9:06 am #

      Hi Evo,

      Glad you liked my application. Maybe I should get back into programming. It certainly appears to have a solid future.

      Maybe I’ll need free shopify Geritol instead of free coffee and beer.

  7. idiotwriter December 15, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Far too many little tit bits – and don’t you know how us middle aged gals swoon over spandex and mutton chops? – Be sure to stock up on the viagra in those babies for you will be MALLED. THAT visual is enough to make me swoon to a point of forgetting what 1+1 = . Smashing.

    LOVE this oh villianous one –
    PS – is it the spandex that makes you so nimble?

    • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

      Nav be nimble
      Nav be quick
      Nav in spandex
      Looks real slick

      (okay, that wasn’t my best)

      Glad you liked it, Belinda. I had a ton of fun writing it.

      • idiotwriter December 15, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

        LMAO!
        Why stop? ๐Ÿ˜‰
        REALLY like this style/

        • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

          Thanks, Belinda. Once that sense of humour gets going, it’s like the genie has been let out of the bottle.

          Wonder if the Apple “face”time scam would really work?

        • idiotwriter December 15, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

          yOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME GO BACK AND READ IT all AGAIN??oops cap locks on –
          I will – tomorrow – there is SO much in this write Nav!
          though – I guess you could make anything work right?
          RIGHT??? ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • navigator1965 December 16, 2013 at 12:12 am #

          Who? Me? Make you go back? *nav blinks innocently*

          Anything? We’ll see.

        • idiotwriter December 16, 2013 at 4:57 am #

          ho hum…..it hurts my little artist brain ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Aussa Lorens December 15, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

    This is hilarious. I’m 27 and I would feel the same way.. I liked the bragging about how you used your iPad to take a screenshot and that has to count for something… it so does. Mad props on that one ๐Ÿ˜‰ Good luck on this– let me know when you land the gig!
    PS: Everyone should use the word “swoon” on a regular basis.

    • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

      Ms. Aussa,

      This not quite svelte navigator clocks in at 48 years. My, my, where has the time gone? *nav feels a Jim Croce song coming on*

      If I could save time
      in a bottle
      I’d have plenty
      lying around…

      (If I didn’t know who Jim Croce was, I would…)

      Yes, I was quite impressed with myself for the screen capture bit. I usually don’t iPad facetime while in the tub, just in case I am inadvertently using the iPad camera on the other side. “So, Mom, what’s new in your world?” Come to think of it, I could probably sue Apple for this and make billions, as they were false advertising on the name of the app. Mom with PTSD must be worth a few bucks as well. Anyhow, it is from such a perspective that my screen capture can be appreciated for the great accomplishment that it truly was.

      “You Honour, it is our position that the defendant Apple did falsely and misleadingly name their app “facetime,” when in fact it did cause to be displayed to the applicant’s sainted mother all of the applicant’s naughty bits in all their bathing glory. The applicants’s mother did swoon at the sight.”

      If the employment fairy hits me with her magic wand over this, rest assured there will be a blog post about ASAP.

      Cheers.

      • Aussa Lorens December 15, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

        Excellent use of “swoon” in the follow up comment, props to you.
        Also: I’ve never ever face-timed, except on accident, so extra props to you.

        • navigator1965 December 15, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

          It’s raining props here at The Mirror. It’s a good thing all the lovely ladies here do not “face”time me. I was a forceps baby. There was a terrible accident. Creature from the Black Lagoon and all that. Lived in the attic all my life.

        • Aussa Lorens December 15, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

          You. Are. Terrible.

        • navigator1965 December 16, 2013 at 12:10 am #

          I. AM. TOO. }:-)>

          Just call me Red/Grey Beard. Once I am old enough to shave. Or maybe when Rogaine comes in an aftershave.

      • suzjones December 16, 2013 at 3:04 am #

        Oh Nav… I am nearly wetting myself laughing at your description of face time. And believe me at my age, that’s not a good thing to do to me. Actually I’m the same age as you but you know how it goes… ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • navigator1965 December 16, 2013 at 6:50 am #

          Glad you had a chuckle, Suz. Yes, I know how it goes. Being of the age where a man gets a “certain” annual medical check up *doctor snaps on latex glove, nav’s eyes bulge in disbelief*, I ain’t getting any younger, as the saying goes.

  9. Susan Lattwein December 16, 2013 at 3:45 am #

    A sense of humour transcends time and age.

    • suzjones December 16, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

      I think it’s only fair that men need to experience these things after all the indignities we suffer during pregnancy and labour ๐Ÿ˜‰
      And I ain’t getting any younger either. So Mr 1965, what month were you born?

      • navigator1965 December 16, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

        Libra w/ a we Scorpio cusp. What’s your sign, gorgeous? *Nav has lager moment of being in singles’ bar*

      • suzjones December 17, 2013 at 4:32 am #

        I be a Leo with no idea of my cusp. *Sue wonders what Nav means. What is this singles bar thing?* :mrgreen:

        • navigator1965 December 17, 2013 at 6:14 am #

          Just making a joke. Your asking my birth month, October, sounded like a prelude to the “what’s your sign?” icebreaker comment.

      • suzjones December 17, 2013 at 6:16 am #

        I’m just being facetious. ๐Ÿ™‚ I know exactly what you meant. I was just being silly. (Not that I ever went to any singles bars) lol

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