Chef Nav’s Culinary Crime Against Humanity

28 Apr
Oh, my aching guts.

Oh, my aching guts.

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

Those who’ve followed this blog and especially those who have read my book (pre-release) will know that I am a most serious fellow who both never jokes and is somewhat adept at identifying abstract patterns. Often this works to my advantage.

Other times, it doesn’t.

It appears as if I am afflicted with a certain cognitive asymmetry. This is a very clever way of saying that I can be very not clever in certain regards, haut cuisine being one of the better examples. Indeed, The Nameless One, who is so named as she must not be named, once looked on in astonished horror as I attempted to make a delicious meal in which I mixed canned tuna and canned baked beans. At least, it was supposed to be a delicious meal, in the same spirit as the two people who bumped into one another and mixed chocolate with peanut butter. It proved to be a serendipitously delicious and accidental culinary discovery, or at least it was in the 1970’s commercials.

Fairy tales don't happen in Nav's kitchen

Fairy tales don’t happen in Nav’s kitchen

How was I to know baked beans and tuna would taste like crap and turn my guts into knots for an entire day? Tuna comes in cans. Baked beans come in cans. There was a pattern there; I just bloody knew it. Not all patterns are good ones, I suppose.

Where the hell is the cautionary labelling?: NOT FOR USE WITH CANNED TUNA!

Where the hell is the cautionary labelling?: NOT FOR USE WITH CANNED TUNA!

This morning, The Nameless One left me with idiot-proof instructions regarding a delicious and healthy meal that was to be made with the F@#!ing Vitamix superblender. This blender is so powerful that some 3rd world nations use it for tire recycling. With this monstrosity of unrestrained kitchen torque as my mystic culinary temple, and much like the mystic Egyptian Book of the Dead, The Nameless One left me her cryptic and timeless message on the kitchen blackboard: beets; carrots; dates; coconut; almonds. There. The mystery of the universe, solved. Whatever the bloody hell could ever go wrong with just five ingredients?

Plenty.

The first thing that a man must do–and when mustn’t a man do what a man must do?–when confronted with such a righteous quest is to pull out Excaliber or some other holy and +3 magic sword. Not having one lying around, I whipped out the next best thing: the 10″ Shun Classic chef’s knife / Bilbo Baggins’ special.

I'm compensating for what?!

I’m compensating for what?!

Having scrubbed and chopped both red AND orange beets, as two colours surely must be healthier than one, I then pondered the stupid coconut. The goal was to get the uber-fresh coconut milk from inside the coconut AND into the destroyer of vegetables that I so dearly love.

We couldn’t have canned coconut milk. No. That wouldn’t be cricket. So, having left my light sabre at the office and not wanting to provoke a 911 call for having attacked an unarmed coconut with a reciprocating saw, I decided to use our U.N. Human Rights Commission-Approved Guantanamo Bay  Ethical Restraining Device, to keep the coconut from hurting itself while I punctured the bloody life out of it.

Respecting the dignity of all mankind.

Respecting the dignity of all mankind.

Well, wouldn’t you know it, the cognitive stress of solving the Mystery of the Sealed Coconut so taxed my poor asymmetric brain that I forgot all about the bloody dates. Might as well try to re-start the warp core without di-lithium crystals. Otherwise, all the ingredients went into the F@#!ing Vitamix. I followed the proper VM ignition sequence protocol, just like they teach at NASA.

The lid was sealed. Low power, minimum speed. Slowly increase the speed via the correct rotary dial control knob as the tire recycler chomped through the hard bits of beets and carrots and almonds like a pit bull going through prime rib. Just when you think you’ve reached the point of maximum vegetable violence (MVV), throw ‘er into high gear, and stand back as time and space warp under the awesome power of the F@#!ing Vitamix.

A bowl of rotten Pepto-friggin’-Bismol and cheap port would have tasted better than this Tinkerbell-pink healthy crap. I’m so glad I added the hairy-assed coconut milk; what a disaster it would have been had I forgotten that, too. I had a Campbell’s Chunky Soup moment upon first tasting it: maybe God is punishing me, so I should use a spoon, to get every friggin’ drop. “Jeez, all that’s missing is a touch of dates,” Nav said to himself. \

Who needs hot yoga or Pilates to strengthen my core, when I can just drink this crap and  send my guts to the digestive olympics decathlon? No colon cancer for this culinary cowboy, no ma’am. There’s fibre, and then there’s Vitamix! Might make the U.S. Navy super gun R&D team green with envy, which is preferable to being internally pink and gurgling with my concoction.

Whatever reason God put me on this Earth, I can with great confidence say this one thing about it: it surely wasn’t to make food.

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79 Responses to “Chef Nav’s Culinary Crime Against Humanity”

  1. Susan Irene Fox April 28, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

    ROTFLMAO!!!! I am crying, I’m laughing so hard. Wheezing, in fact. Oh, I wish I had been there to see that. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. 😀

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

      Well, I thought that some good might come from my kitchen misadventures if I blogged about them. Glad you had a good laugh, Susan. I’ve one similar post to do, later in the week. ❤

  2. LindaGHill April 28, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

    Hahahahahaha! You had me at monstrosity of unrestrained kitchen torque.
    You know, Pepto Bismol is also pink. Hahahahaha!

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

      Hi, Linda. Glad you had a laugh at this. It is kind of funny, and I can laugh at myself, if nothing else.

      Yes, the ensuing crap was like chunky Pepto-Abysmal, only far worse tasting. Big-time blech.

      • LindaGHill April 29, 2014 at 8:19 pm #

        Remind me if I ever come to your place for dinner to bring the pizza! 🙂

        • navigator1965 April 29, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

          Or wings, or donairs, or poutines, or…

        • LindaGHill April 30, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

          … or anything but beets? I have an idea. Stick your F@#!ing Vitamix in a bag and put it in my car before I leave, then tell The Nameless One I must have stolen it.
          I’ll take the heat. But you’ll owe me. 😉

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 7:02 pm #

          A diabolical plan, Linda, and a tempting one, too.

        • LindaGHill April 30, 2014 at 7:07 pm #

          Hey, us villains gotta stick together. heheh

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 7:40 pm #

          The Snidley Whiplash Society.

        • LindaGHill April 30, 2014 at 7:42 pm #

          OH! OH! OH! Can I be Muttley?
          *snickers*

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

          There is an opening for that position, yes.

        • LindaGHill April 30, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

          YES!!!

  3. Oh my…that poor coconut! Nav, this cracked me up!

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 5:03 pm #

      Hello, Audrey. So glad you had a good laugh over this one. See how important you ladies are to we guys? Where would be be without you?

      };-)>

      • I do see where you all come in handy, Nav. For this lady, well, lost is where we’d be, I think. 🙂 You’re good for a laugh, my dear. What a time you had!!

        • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 5:12 pm #

          I have one more culinary misadventure post to make. It might even surpass this one; we’ll just have to wait and see.

          Thanks for the kind words, Audrey. Yes, it was quite an adventure, for me at least.

        • Oh, good! Something to look forward to…

          You’re welcome!

  4. Carrie-Anne Foster (thatdizzychick) April 28, 2014 at 5:02 pm #

    LOL! Hilarity at its best! I can actually visualize the Kitchen Episode.

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

      This is probably how I will learn to write fiction, Carrie-Anne. A liberal interpretation of true events will be my bridge from non-fiction to the Mann-Booker prize.

      I can envision my acceptance speech at this very moment. “And little did I know that the intestinal trauma of a lone coconut would ultimately become the inspiration…” Well, maybe not.

      Glad this provoked a laugh.

  5. suzjones April 28, 2014 at 5:14 pm #

    As a lover of smoothies, I still can’t get my head around adding vegetables to them myself. Would have loved to be a fly on wall at your place 😉

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 5:18 pm #

      Culinary crime against humanity” pretty much sums it up, Sue. Even with the pink, it wasn’t pretty. Based upon prior experience, it will be even less pretty in about four hours from now.

      Or sooner.

      • suzjones April 28, 2014 at 5:19 pm #

        ewwwww *Sue works on erasing mental image*

  6. Elaine April 28, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    Lolol. Too funny! I’ve never tried these so-called healthy smoothies. They sound awful! Your story just made me even more certain! Love how you told it! Lol

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 6:13 pm #

      Hi, Elaine. Thanks for stopping by and the kind comments. I suspect someone who has even rudimentary kitchen skills (i.e., not me) might be about to make something not too bad, given the right recipe.

      They’re certainly awful when I make them, though! Wait until I do my upcoming post on the seafood medley. There will be no denying my culinary crimes against humanity after that post.

      • Elaine April 28, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

        Lol being a seafood lover I am cringing as I anticipate what you did. Lol

        • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

          No more Filet ‘O Fish sandwiches for you, I’m afraid!

        • Elaine April 28, 2014 at 10:04 pm #

          Lolol!!!

  7. insanitybytes22 April 28, 2014 at 7:52 pm #

    LOL! That was hilarious, Navigator. I make the most awesome smoothies, not only healthy, but they actually taste good. My husband can really cook, but only things that are incredibly bad for you, like bacon wrapped sausages and double fudge brownies.

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

      Thanks, ib22. The Nameless One does, I must confess, make very good chocolate blueberry banana smoothies. I can live without the green pond scum ones, however.

      Your husband sounds like a great chef, to me. As long as is it organic bacon lovingly wrapped around organic sausages, of course, then it chow-down time, as far as this Nav is concerned! }:-))>

      The odd df brownie never killed anyone, so far as I know.

  8. KG April 28, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    LOL.
    Ok this one sort of matches with your Yogateria chronicles. Too good. Hope you are doing OK after such an experiment.

    • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

      Hi, KG. Yes, I survived. It was a bit like the Yogateria Chronicles, wasn’t it? I suppose I have my own unique style of humour. Cerebrally acerbic?

      Rats. I just realized that I haven’t been getting email alerts for your posts. I have to check my settings again.

      • KG April 28, 2014 at 10:18 pm #

        Yes Nav you do have a unique style of your own and its hilarious 😀

        No issues. I once unfollowed a regular blogger I follow and I still dont know how that happened.

        • navigator1965 April 28, 2014 at 10:23 pm #

          Must be WordPress gremlins.

        • KG April 29, 2014 at 12:43 am #

          🙂

  9. Mich-in-French April 29, 2014 at 3:12 am #

    This is 10 times better than your spandex and yoga story – oh Nav – what shall we do with you?? Please remain calm and strapped in at all times and in case of an emergency do not cook!
    😉

    • navigator1965 April 29, 2014 at 7:19 am #

      Mich, I’m afraid there is no alternative but to love me and accept me as I am. };-)> Great advice for those emergency cases, BTW.

      Wait until my next (and likely final) post on my culinary misadventures: seafood medley. ❤

      Okay, heading over to your place, now. I've gotten behind.

    • navigator1965 April 29, 2014 at 9:48 am #

      Hey! Where did http://michelletmoller.wordpress.com go?

      • Mich-in-French April 30, 2014 at 2:59 am #

        Hey Nav – very stressed – didn’t delete my site but when I click on the link it says I have deleted it? Do you know what I can do? All my stuff is here??

      • Mich-in-French April 30, 2014 at 3:06 am #

        it should be http://lessonsinfrench.wordpress.com/ – shoo- nearly had heart failure there!
        Deleted the other one when I started this one – now I really am awake Nav!

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 6:25 am #

          lololololol!!! Oh babe – I can just feel that feeling in your tummy —about the same as the one NAv must have had after his pink mix 😛

        • Mich-in-French May 2, 2014 at 4:24 pm #

          Indeed!!! I nearly swooned I tell you! Not a good moment – Nav owes an entire post to me now!!

        • idiotwriter May 2, 2014 at 5:15 pm #

          Oh Michy Mashy M… (NOPE – a promise is a promise!)
          I cant imagine really – LORD!

        • Mich-in-French May 3, 2014 at 7:06 am #

          crazy moments hey!

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 8:01 am #

          Not certain, but I may have clicked on the Mich-in-French in a WordPress email or some other link to get to your blog. Glad to learn you’re still with us.

        • Mich-in-French May 2, 2014 at 4:25 pm #

          Nav – you own an entire post to me now – how to stop me from swooning …I nearly had hart failure – I even started sweating! A sheer moment of terror!

        • navigator1965 May 2, 2014 at 4:35 pm #

          Ah, more time in Purgatory for poor old Nav.

        • Mich-in-French May 3, 2014 at 7:06 am #

          hehe – will always love old Nav – no purgatory …just a smattering of writing will do

        • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 8:18 am #

          The 2nd and final instalment in the Chef Nav series is now posted, Mich. ❤

        • Mich-in-French May 6, 2014 at 10:55 am #

          You are a star – yay me!!

  10. pastedreams April 29, 2014 at 11:10 am #

    Thanks for the laugh 🙂 I’ve had too many culinary mishaps like this to count! And even if it tastes OK, you just can’t get past the color. . .

    • navigator1965 April 29, 2014 at 11:57 am #

      You’re welcome, pd. It actually tasted worse than it looks, which is saying something. Glad to have some company in the inept-in-the-kitchen club.

      Thanks for stopping by. Cheers.

  11. jennifer Windram April 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

    This was hysterical. You really have a way with words!

    And I would have no idea how to get into a real coconut either. I’ve also had to look up how to “properly” cut up pineapples and mangos. I guess anything more exotic than an apple and I’m at a loss.

  12. Jami April 29, 2014 at 11:39 pm #

    HAHAHAHA! I laughed my butt off at this post, especially that coconut pic! Ooooh though, I’m a health nut and even I would shiver at the idea of eating that hot pink concoction! Hahaha, I give you a big E for effort, nav!

    • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 7:52 am #

      Thanks, Jami. Glad you liked it. I had fun with Mr. Coconut. If you ever see a chef on the Food Channel using my workshop vies technique for coconuts, remember: you saw it here first!

  13. idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 6:16 am #

    Before I even read this – I am going to tell you something of a rather annoying nature:
    I set all my wordpress post update things to go to a folder and forgot I had done so.
    I have been wondering why no one is posting anything………..yeah.
    So now to go read 😀

  14. idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 6:28 am #

    Sir, it has been said by all commenting here!! 😛
    …I am just eyeing out that piano in the background there…..:D

    Your writing really takes on the genre you choose so beautifully. You are such an inspiration and – well – damn good writer! 😀
    Loved every word (especially the F*** Vitam- what was that called again??…but then I would have enjoyed that part right? 😉 )

    • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 7:55 am #

      Hello, Belinda! Maybe if the stupid book hits #1 on the NY Times, I can visit and we can go piano shopping. Afraid the on we have is The Nameless One’s, and it’s old and tired, even after refurbishing. She’s planning to get another one at some point.

      • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 8:04 am #

        Ah Nav 😀
        Yeah – I was thinking about the ‘stupid’ book …
        Time yet? (I can HEAR the frustration through the screen dude!) Bless you ❤

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 8:34 am #

          My account manager at FriesenPress.com called to coach me through their copyright form, yesterday. She said we’re still on track to make it a May or June release, and have most of the work done. She said she has a really good feeling about this book.

          I’m perhaps a month or month-and-a-half away. What a long haul! Tried some book proposals as far back as 2010, started the manuscript in earnest in August of 2012.

          Good thing I can be stubborn.

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 8:44 am #

          I reckon – on the long haul thing…
          Stubborn? Not so sure about that one hey!! 😀
          Well you know already to shout when you need anything yeah 😉

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 9:55 am #

          Thank you, Belinda. Will shout when necessary.

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

          😀 Jolly good (just reminding you that I have not forgotten 😉 )

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 12:14 pm #

          I know. Thanks, Belinda. You’re a swell gal. ❤

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 12:20 pm #

          Oh – I know…..
          lol!
          Hey – got to keep on the good side of you, you know – I mean HOW cool will it be to be mates with a best selling author O_o

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

          … or one in prison. };-)>

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

          LMAO! Either or – you will always be Sir Nav – lets hope the latter does not occur right!! GEES!

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

          Either way, the name of Michael M. McConaughey will not be soon forgotten, whoever the heck that villainous scoundrel really is. };-)>

          You can be my portrait artist. I’ll have a paper bag over my face when I pose for you.

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

          JUst read that comment to my Georgie – he had a good laugh at that sir 😀

          YOU foolish boy!
          …pity actually…I imagine you as quite a dashingly handsome young man really who would be splendid for a portrait.

          Oh well
          paper bag it is then right!

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

          Hello to George. I may work the paper bag mask thing into Book Two. Just to show my deep respect for feminist thought.

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 3:45 pm #

          😀 – Sure thing –
          Has book two begun yet?

        • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

          Yes, but slowly. It’s more research than writing, at the moment. I have a few of years worth of reference newspaper articles and such that I am transferring to Scrivener. Have a fair bit of reading to do, too. I’ll going to try and explain why the world is so screwed up, but in everyday language that people can intuitively understand.

          Still, the book is going to be attacked and come under some fairly intense scrutiny, so I’ll have to make reference to some respected works to have a sound and defensible argument.

          I think I can make Edward Gibbon and gender politics fun.

        • idiotwriter April 30, 2014 at 4:35 pm #

          Ok I am going to skip of all the thoughts about the intensity of the labour you are setting yourself up for (of which you are are more than capable – I mean compared to nuclear sub hunting its a walk in the park ey!) and go right on to say:

          You know how I feel about your work and I think you can make anything fun – so its a win win situation really! 😉

          Off to go do some more drawing 😀 – Enjoying young Mr Charismas prompts right now. Funny thing that 😉

  15. Winifred M. Reilly April 30, 2014 at 11:01 am #

    Only thing missing was the ever-present-in-everything ingredient : kale!
    My husband has some green powder he puts in smoothies. Remember learning about color in kindergarten when you put green in with the purple-red paint? Drinking a smoothie that looks like cafeteria beef gravy…

    Great piece. Loved the visual of the coconut down in yr shop. Excellent.

    • navigator1965 April 30, 2014 at 11:23 am #

      Thanks, Winifred. The Nameless One is an avid kale eater and accomplished foodie. I, on the other hand, must have failed art in kindergarten. I clearly remember getting detention in Grade 1 because my Valentine’s Day (or was it Mothers’ Day) heart art project wasn’t up to snuff.

      Plus I had a bad attitude.

      Glad you liked it. I must say that I did impress myself just a little with my technical solution to coconut milk extraction. I’m not a very hands-on sort of guy.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Culinary Crimes Against Humanity Revisited: The Creature From the Black Lagoon | The Mirror - May 3, 2014

    […] those who’ve read my previous post regarding Chef Nav’s culinary crimes against humanity, there are certain inferences that one might draw about me. I am highly adept at devising original […]

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