Culinary Crimes Against Humanity Revisited: The Creature From the Black Lagoon

3 May
It may look like a harmless bowl of organic Pepto-Bismal, but Nav knows better

It may look like a harmless bowl of organic Pepto-Bismal, but Nav knows better

 

For those who’ve read my previous post regarding Chef Nav’s culinary crimes against humanity, there are certain inferences that one might draw about me. I am highly adept at devising original coconut milk extraction protocols, for one. For another, my general ineptitude in all things culinary would seem to rise to epic proportions on those tragic occasions when I happen to be in a position of importance in the kitchen.

By way of background, your friendly Navigator had become a bit too physically resplendent in his post-Christmas magnificence. Given that my mid-winter “arctic survival kit,” which may be known to you by its alternate name of “the spare tire,” had grown to ice-age proportions, The Namless One, who is so named as she may not be named, decided that it would be in “our” best interest if “we” embraced the Dukan Diet.

And so was my illusion that there was simply more of me to love to die a sudden, instant, and even immediate death.

To begin the Dukan Diet, one must be betrayed by a sister who volunteers to give you her Dukan Diet book. It’s like getting rid of your Edgar Allen Poe “Monkey’s Paw” – the curse now rests upon another. Thanks, Sis. I love you, too.

The Book of Spells

The Book of Spells

Not only are there delicious and healthy recipes in the book, there are also delicious and healthy Dukan recipes on the internet. And thus does my story truly begin.

The Nameless One is a planner. She is disciplined. All that happens must happen as has been foreordained. By her. In advance. As part of a Master  Plan. As a result, there are these things that mysteriously come into being. Quantum mechanics and metaphysics and the Higgs Boson and all that. Only these things — these mysterious, just-come-into-being-from-out-of-the-aether things– are called “lists.”

And, for some reason that I’ve yet to fathom, I must do what are written on these “lists,” without question. Kind of like the Ten Commandments, only different. How, I’m not exactly certain.

..., 2. Thou shalt take out the garbage. 3. Thou shalt rake the leaves. 4...

…, 2. Thou shalt take out the garbage. 3. Thou shalt rake the leaves. 4…

Just as there are different flavours and spins of the mysterious things that come into being in quantum mechanics, so there are different types of lists. The one in question was a “grocery” list, which contained mysterious and alchemical ingredient for the Dukan Diet. One of the list’s ingredients was more mysterious than quantum foam or Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, which seemed to apply.

It was “seafood medley,” and I was uncertain as to what it was. A collection of lobster-eating songs?

It just so happened that during a spiritual sojourn at the local Farmboy temple, I encountered a bag of frozen seafood medley. I returned home, a culinary Indiana Jones, my triumphant frozen prize from distant shores held aloft. And there was much rejoicing.

However, The Nameless One is a High Entrepreneurial Sorceress of Interior Design. Navigator must tread warily about the home, lest he disturb the Enchanted Forest of otherwise functionless cushions. As it happens, The Nameless One had become busy with a series of long-hours Interior Design corporate spell casting sessions to exercise a certain demon of distaste, and so the seafood medley had become in danger of summoning a stinky seafood rot demon within kitchen’s stainless steel, counter-depth, French-doored root cellar. Thus was Navigator bidden to take the seafood medley and, in the lesser cauldron, perform some unholy incantation upon the magical ingredients.

Nav did not disappoint.

Beware the Enchanted Forest!

Beware the Enchanted Forest!

Unbeknowst to Nav, The Nameless One had requisitioned the seafood medley based upon an internet Dukan recipe. Innocent Nav, in his innocence, wondered why he could not find the stupid seafood medley recipe in the stupid Dukan Book that his loving sister had lovingly cursed him with. He thus consulted with the Oracle at Google Delphi, and came upon a non-Dukan seafood medley recipe in the internet aether. In retrospect, Nav should have checked for an Underwriters Laboratory’s “UL” approval seal before venturing forth. The listed ingredients were: butter; garlic; seafood medley; white wine; lemon; and green flakey dried herb thingies, to taste.

“Brilliant,” thinks Nav. “What the hell could possibly go wrong with six ingredients?” What, indeed?

Based upon a 30 year professional career history of dealing with dangerous fluids, Nav reads the recipe and realizes that it calls for 1/4 cup of white wine. Let’s see. 1/4 cup = about 60ml. One bottle of white wine = 750 ml. 750 ml – 60 ml = 690 ml of residual white wine. Nav immediately recognizes the danger to women and children, and then gallantly makes the required sacrifice.

He notes that the name of the South African white wine is “Two Oceans.” Nav makes the near-fatal error of thinking this relates to the geographic intersection of the Atlantic and Indian Oceans. He is to later learn that it actually refers to the pending torrential output of his two tortured kidneys.

Oh, the sacrifices Navigators make for Queen and country

Oh, the sacrifices Navigators make for Queen and country. Hey, why is the photo blurry?

Already weak from his heroic defence of defenceless women and children, Nav turns to the task at hand. He follows the instructions with great care, and gets the seafood medley a’cooking in the lesser cauldron. The one with the non-stick coating, for easier cleanup.

That old black magic...

That old black magic…

He then begins the accompanying garlic butter sauce, in his poor-man’s KitchenAid le Creuset knock-off saucepan. Which looks remarkably like a pot to him, but which, for some unfathomable reason, is a saucepan, in the Enchanted Forest.

Sadly, advancing Two Oceans renal failure interferes with Nav’s renown recipe-reading skills, and he botches the butter measurement.

Nav employs the rarely seen kettle buffer tactic

Nav exploits the kettle for terrain masking. Sun Tzu and The Art of Kitchen War

 

Meanwhile, the lesser cauldron is gently cooking the tender and delicate seafood medley. Into something that the chefs at the Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company would be proud of. “Ding!” goes the bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble timer, and off the fire does the lesser cauldron come.

 

Guaranteed to churn Nav's guts

Guaranteed to churn Nav’s guts

 

The unholy and most rubbery concoction is transferred into a large white bowl, as no other bowl may exist within the Enchanted Forest of functionless cushions. As to why, Nav is as uncertain as Heisenberg was.

 

The White Bowl of Mystic Offerings

Auger the Future with The Mystic White Bowl of Entrail Offerings

 

Then comes the garlic butter sauce. Only Nav’s botched the butter measurement so badly, what he’s actually made is semi-rotten rubberized Creature from the Black Lagoon garlic butter entrail soup.

 

Not every chef sees soup stock in this image. Nav does

Rare, indeed, is the chef who has the vision to see the soup hidden within this image.          Nav is such a chef

 

Yum, yum. Nav uses a spoon, to get every drop.

 

Somebody's missing a tentacle. And other unnamed body parts

Somebody’s missing a tentacle. And other unnamed body parts

 

The next day, Nav’s high-class Mexican goodwill ambassadorial friend, Monseigneur Montezuma dela Revenge, pays Nav a little visit. Several little visits, in fact, tactful diplomat that he is. Thankfully, the previous evening’s buckets of molten butter prove more effective than WD-40 in dealing with dela Revenge’s topic of primary interest. The only way it could have been better was if Nav had used goose grease instead of butter.

For some strange reason, Nav is reminded of this Vitamix beet & coconut milk adventure, and he knows, deep down inside (once it calms down), that somebody is trying to tell him something about Nav’s being in the kitchen. Some things are contrary to the laws of God and nature.

Nav in the kitchen is one of them. }:-(>

THE END.

 

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72 Responses to “Culinary Crimes Against Humanity Revisited: The Creature From the Black Lagoon”

  1. Kim May 3, 2014 at 8:54 am #

    You are WELCOME for the cookbook, mwah hahaa……

  2. KG May 3, 2014 at 9:26 am #

    Wow Nav.. you are getting awesome at this aren’t you ? 😉
    I liked how you combine all subjects (history, geography, politics and religion) with culinary science. Too good as usual 🙂

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 9:34 am #

      Thanks, KG. Glad you liked it. ❤

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

      Actually, now that you mention it, there is an eclectic set of influences in the post. I have to watch that I do not try to be too clever, lest some of the allusions or references not have meaning to people.

      I did like my “Two Oceans” interpretation, though, to be honest. Always a scoundrel at heart. }:-)>

      • KG May 3, 2014 at 1:14 pm #

        I believe those things gives you a style of your own in writing, even though I am not qualified in any way to say so , except may be as a regular reader 🙂

        • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

          You are eminently qualified, in my books. Thank you.

  3. Just stay out of the kitchen. Eat smaller portions and go for a walk…
    Haha…you are a fine story teller, Nav. 🙂

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

      Thank you, A.D. You’re a sweetheart. Yes, I think the U.N. General Assembly’s next order of business is a motion that I be banned from kitchens everywhere.

      I’ll find other misadventures to write about. Stuff just seems to happen to me. };-)>

  4. bethbyrnes May 3, 2014 at 10:27 am #

    Nice looking stove. Pretty place — ultra modern. Entertaining post. Never heard of that diet — doubt it’s vegan but any diet plan or routine is better than none, so, kudos!

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 12:46 pm #

      Actually, the significant other has done a remarkable job in taking a rather hideous 1967 compartmentalized interior and transforming it to an open, modernist space. My only regret is that I haven’t had the funds to help with the upgrades, other than paying my half of the mortgage payments.

      However, that’s a story for my Book Two sequel.

      Dukan starts off sort of Atkins’ish, and then gets one to a balances and moderate steady state. It does keep yours truly out of the gelato and craft brews, for the most part, so it has proven effective to the tune of about 15 or so lbs.

      Thanks for stopping by, Beth.

  5. Carrie-Anne Foster (thatdizzychick) May 3, 2014 at 11:32 am #

    I’m surprised you’re still allowed in the kitchen.

    Mind you, I’d miss the stories!

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 12:49 pm #

      Hi, Carrie-Anne. So am I! I keep trying to get excused from KP duty (and most others), but to no effect. Imagine that.

      I suspect that I will endure other misadventures worth writing about. I do seem to have a habit of having them, on occasion. Not that I would embellish said tales to any appreciable degree, mind you.

      It’s just knowing what to emphasize, and perhaps how to stretch the bounds of metaphor just a little. };-)>

  6. waitingforprincecharming May 3, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    Highly entertaining! I’d still allow you to cook for me, just to see what you would come up with.. It sounded delish.. Until the overcooking…
    Perhaps some culinary supervision required?
    I am available via text and e-mail for culinary advice, should it ever so be required 😉
    A pleasure to read and provided a little giggle.
    Thank you Nav.

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 12:52 pm #

      Always a pleasure to entertain, wfpc. Be careful what you wish for, though; it may come true.

      Actually, I’m okay with meat over an open flame. I suspect my culinary gene pool was arrested at the Palaeolithic stage of development.

      I’ll take your kind offer of expert advice under advisement. “Hello? wfpc? Should I order pizza or wings with my Guinness?” *Nav realizes that the correct answer is “both”*

      • waitingforprincecharming May 5, 2014 at 7:30 am #

        Darn you, now I want a Guinness.. Surely that’s not part if the Dukan diet?? Lol
        I look forward to you burning some meat for me in the future :-p. (you like the self invite? Haha)

        • navigator1965 May 5, 2014 at 8:30 am #

          I think a wee bit ‘o Guinness is permitted in the later maintenance phase. Self invites are okay! We should do BBQ sometime.

          I could show off my brilliant interior design skills, too, Did it all myself.

        • waitingforprincecharming May 11, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

          Can’t wait 🙂

        • navigator1965 May 11, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

          Hey, my book’s out at online stores. Happened yesterday. Caught me completely by surprise.

        • waitingforprincecharming May 11, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

          I’m holding out for the signed hard copy!! ;-). Though, congratulations! I am happy to help promote in whatever way you deem appropriate (we will discuss due to pseudonym)
          So proud of you Nav!

        • navigator1965 May 11, 2014 at 9:52 pm #

          Thank you, wfpc. I’ll wait to see what my FriesenPress.com marketing guy has to say. I wonder what happens if people where you are start to ask for the book at the local Chapters store? ❤

        • navigator1965 May 11, 2014 at 10:06 pm #

          Forgot to add that we can do a secret signing ceremony.

        • waitingforprincecharming May 11, 2014 at 10:31 pm #

          With a few celebratory Guinness 😉

        • navigator1965 May 11, 2014 at 11:29 pm #

          No arguments from me.

  7. whywerescrewed May 3, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

    Nav, I am giving you an A+ for your culinary efforts. I can’t say I’ve known anyone to have developed homemade Pepto-Bismol. On another note, I really do love your chalkboard wall.

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

      Thank you, wws. The chalk board is a type of paint that you buy. You can turn any regular wall or part thereof into a chalk board. Let me know if I should interrogate The Nameless One for more information.

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm #

      Oh, and thank you for the good grading. Mom will be proud. Now all I need is, “Plays well with others.”

      • whywerescrewed May 5, 2014 at 12:33 am #

        I will give you an “E” for “excellent” under “Plays well with others” as well. This is not unlike the purple “Participation” ribbon I received for attempting long distance running in elementary school. I once told a family member that he would have likely gotten a “NI” or “needs improvement” in the “Plays well with others” category….

        • navigator1965 May 5, 2014 at 8:32 am #

          Oh, this is just too much fun. I’m with you on the long distance running success!

          This reminds me of when I got detention in Grade 1 for my crummy, uninspired Valentine’s Day heart card for my mother.

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

      TNO says you can get this stuff at Home Depot, etc. For non-toxic, ecospaints.net. Any colour chalkboard. We used Home Depot, but it was toxic/stinky while drying. Any big box building store should have it.

  8. insanitybytes22 May 3, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

    LOL! You’re funny, Navigator. Alas, I just made the most wonderful seafood medley, butter, garlic, wine, heavy cream, tender succulent little scallops and clams. My cooking will probably kill me too, but much more pleasantly then yours will.

  9. Jami May 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm #

    Hahahahaha….hahahaha. Nav, you really are hilarious. Good luck with your heroic, Dukon adventures within the enchanted forest of functionless pillows!! 😀

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 10:56 pm #

      Why thank you, Madam Jami. I’ve no doubt that there are further misadventures that await me. Maybe I watched too much H.R. Puffnstuff as a kid, which would explain my skewed perception of pillows of no apparent use.

  10. suzjones May 3, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

    Step away from the kitchen and take your bbq tongs and go play outside! 😉

    • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 10:57 pm #

      That’s pretty much the only viable course of action left, Sue. I’ll quote you as the authority.

      • suzjones May 3, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

        I’m sure she’ll listen – NOT.

        • navigator1965 May 3, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

          Yes, what is it about you spouses? };-)>

        • suzjones May 4, 2014 at 12:29 am #

          We are just another breed altogether lol

        • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 8:24 am #

          You certainly are. A rather delightful one, at that.

        • suzjones May 4, 2014 at 5:01 pm #

          😀

  11. Susan Lattwein May 4, 2014 at 3:44 am #

    Such ambitious recipes, set for disaster. I now leave rubbery seafood to chefs, who can transform it into something other than an albino car tyre.
    Don’t knock enchanted cushion forests…

    • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 8:25 am #

      I’m with you as far as leaving the fine art of delicate seafood cuisine to the chefs, Susan. As for the Enchanted Forest, …

      Form follows function.

  12. Middlemay Farm May 4, 2014 at 8:40 am #

    Okay, super impressed with this post–funny and enlightening.

    • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 9:50 am #

      Thank you, MmF. I do find that life’s little misadventures can actually be fun, if one has the right attitude. Plus there’s that Irish heritage that I enjoy, on both sides. I have a bit of a mischievous, mirthful sense of humour that is always lurking just below the surface.

      Appreciate your stopping by. Cheers.

      • Middlemay Farm May 4, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

        I always thought my family’s dark sense of humor came from the Irish–but maybe it’s from the German . . . they can be pretty dark.

        • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 7:13 pm #

          Hard to say. My sister the nurse (and Dukan Diet book giver) has a dark sense of humour. Don’t think we have any German blood. Could be, though.

        • Middlemay Farm May 4, 2014 at 9:08 pm #

          Dukan Diet sounds dark.

        • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

          Now you’ve made me laugh. With alliteration, no less. That’s style!

  13. lensgirl53 May 4, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

    This looks like the beginning of a new writing endeavor 😉 or maybe a cooking show??

    • navigator1965 May 4, 2014 at 10:56 pm #

      I remember watching a cooking show called The Galloping Gourmet when I was a kid. I don’t think he ever was without a glass of wine.

      OMG, I’d be worse than the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

  14. idiotwriter May 5, 2014 at 2:30 am #

    We shall definitely have to stick with ‘Chief’ – ‘Chef’ is not going to work, it it? O_o

    • navigator1965 May 5, 2014 at 8:21 am #

      That got me laughing, too. Love these fun posts. Yes, absolutely, Madam ~IW~. Chief is much better than Chef. (Makes me think of the old Maxwell Smart series on the tele. “Sorry abut that, Chief.”)

      • idiotwriter May 6, 2014 at 5:39 am #

        Humour is essential to sanity right 😀

        • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 7:21 am #

          It certainly has been in my case!

  15. jennifer Windram May 6, 2014 at 9:34 am #

    LOL. This was awesome. I’ve never heard of the frozen seafood medley either, nice job digging some up, Indiana.

    • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 10:34 am #

      Glad you liked it, Jennifer. I’m going to have to start referring to my kitchen as “The Temple of Doom,” at least when I am in it.

      It’s fun doing a comedic post, every now and again. The Yogateria Chronicles were an enjoyable experience for everyone, and these Culinary Crimes Against Humanty posts have been similarly enjoyable.

      • jennifer Windram May 6, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

        I do enjoy the comedies and you have a real knack for it 🙂

        • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 1:26 pm #

          Thank you, Jennifer. The Nameless One, so named… , has been suggesting that I do more of these. They are fun to write, and people seem to enjoy them.

          I’ll have to think of more subjects that I can treat with a bit of levity. Maybe I should go lingerie shopping or something of that nature. };-)>

          Salesgirl: Is this for your wife or girlfriend?

          Nav (deadpan): “No, it’s for me. Why do you ask?”

        • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

          Jennifer, I forgot to ask if you had a pre-release e-copy of my book (free, of course). I should have kept better track of these copies, but, alas, I did not.

          Although there is a dark aspect to the story, there is humour interspersed throughout the book, too. Always at themirrorbooks@gmail.com if you’re interested (and my memory hasn’t failed me). There’s no rush, so you can always tuck the .pdf e-book away for a rainy day, if interested.

          No worries if not. Cheers.

  16. Mich-in-French May 6, 2014 at 11:04 am #

    Brilliant Nav -you are an artful story teller and kept me riveted and laughing the entire time. Only you could make a seafood medley so humorous! Well done Nav and you made my day!!

    • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 11:32 am #

      You, in return, have made my day, Mich. What better gift than knowing I brought a smile and a laugh or two to your day. Thanks so much for your kind words on the story. An ability to embellish (just a little bit) is always a useful attribute.

      Cheers.

      • Mich-in-French May 6, 2014 at 11:50 am #

        Mwah – a kiss for the chef! 😉

  17. Sherri May 6, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

    Oh Nav, I love this! So funny, and I just had a feeling that your ‘old’ friend just might show up… literally… 😉
    I’ve heard of this diet (popular over here, or at least it used to be!) but I’m not so sure about The Book of Spells now after reading this!!! Brilliant story telling, I’m still laughing…hope you’ve recovered though… (* – *) 🙂

    • navigator1965 May 6, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

      I’m laughing at the thought of you laughing, Sherri. Yes, the Monseigneur and I are no strangers. There was the time that we met in Istanbul…

      There’s a Dukan spell that’s may also be in the Harry Potter series. One stirs one’s ethereal gin and tonic with a phoenix feather, and, just prior to downing the magic concoction, says the magic word of power: Imodium. Quite effective in countering bowel daemons and undesirable inhabitants of the underworld.

      I’ve actually found Dukan to be an effective weight loss diet. I lost about 15 lbs in ~1.5 months, and have kept it off. Food regimen is quite acceptable, and the weight loss period is reasonable.

      Glad you liked the post. It was meant to be fun.

      • Sherri May 7, 2014 at 6:53 am #

        HaHa! I’m still laughing Nav! And no, I don’t want to hear about your time in Istanbul if that’s ok with you, although I’m sure it was very interesting in other ways …. 😉

        Ahh yes, I’ve heard of that Imodium spell, it does work it’s magic deep within the underworld quite well (so I believe, haha!!)…

        That’s great though for your weight loss, very well done!! Aspie D, bless her, is going through the whole diet thing at the moment and it makes her grumpy…but she is doing well and so I keep encouraging. I’ll tell her about your post, it will make her smile!

        Have a great week Nav 🙂

        • navigator1965 May 7, 2014 at 5:20 pm #

          Aren’t we a fine pair! This is quite the mutual laugh-fest. I do hope Aspie D has a good chuckle at the post, too. I won’t tell her about the Two Oceans / Dukan induced spandex-clad nav karaoke incident.

          It might be too much for the young lady, all at once. PTSD, just waiting to happen.

          Best wishes for a great week in return, Sherri. Cheers.

          “There was Nav, standing outside the great palace, just minding his touristy Istanbul business, when, all of a sudden,…”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Citizen’s Diplomatic Complaint to the Right Honourable Prime Minister of Australia Against Wine Wanker Conrad | The Mirror - May 21, 2014

    […] that Breakfast at Navigator’s would come to a bad end; there was no warning. Nor had even my legendary culinary skills prepared me for what was to transpire. Perhaps you’ve heard of my semi-rotten rubberized […]

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